Wednesday, July 9, 2014

My own Worst Enemy

I am currently parenting a toddler. Sometimes it is super fun: she dances like a maniac, is constantly learning new words, and LOVES washing dishes. Sometimes it is super hard: she is starting to really vent her frustration by throwing things and sometimes even hitting.

What I am realizing is that when parenting is super hard, my mind fills with what feels like hundreds of thoughts. "Why is she doing this?" "Is there something I'm doing that is making this worse?" "I don't know what to do." "Can she tell I don't really know what to do?" "Is that why she's acting like this, because she knows I don't know what to do?" "How am I supposed to figure this out?" "What if I can't figure out how to deal with this?" "What if she grows up with these horrible habits because I didn't know how to curb them?" I don't think all of these thoughts each time she defies me, this is just a sampling of the things that have crossed my mind.

Perhaps my quest for parenting-in-awareness has trained my brain to go too far. I'm left wondering - What would my life be like without my own narrative?

Am I making my own life harder than it has to be by the way I frame situations? I'm sure the answer is yes. Forever trying to make connections, my brain betrays me. I wonder, "how do I stop?" I know I can't stop framing my life in words, but what if I just change the frame. What if I can simply slow the flow of thoughts and questions, and what if the general tone was simply more positive over-all? How would that change how I live?

I would probably feel less stressed. I would probably feel more confident. I would probably be a nicer person (mom). I would probably be more at peace.

But, how?

I don't know. And maybe, as a tiny, tiny baby step I will just accept that. I don't know, and that's ok.